Me As Eve On A Night Out With The Girls!

I told you you'll never know what you're gonna get when you stop by!  This is the story and text of a speech I gave as Eve at a church women's retreat probably 10 years ago.  A few of us were asked to portray women of the Bible and I thought she might be fun... take a look see!  Unfortunately for you, but fortunately for me, photos aren't readily available.  Darn...

Awhile back I was asked to portray Eve as one of several “celebrity guest speakers” at a lady’s retreat.  I was just one of the famous ladies of the Bible who stopped in that evening, but apparently “Eve” made quite an impression because the women still are talking about it (for better or worse!)   I thought I would share my presentation (I wrote it myself!)  If your church is looking for something to do for a special service, program or retreat, try something like this.  (Of course, you could include men!)  It is fun and a great way to present a memorable story for all ages and groups!

Here is how this went—but feel free to adapt!

The Scene:  Lady’s Retreat at a hotel ballroom. 

Costume: A black fake fur “cavewoman” cloak/no shoes/long, stringy wig (quite haute couture!)

Action: Enter ballroom, work the room tossing out chocolate candy.  Tell them not to eat it!  (You know how we girls feel about chocolate!) Make way to the podium. 

The Speech:

“Good Evening!  I’m Eve, Adam’s wife. Really.  Okay, I look like a cross between Cher and Wilma Flintstone!  I am certainly as “snug as a bug in a rug.”  Boy am I hot!  By the way, the first person to laugh at this get-up has to wear it in public!  In case you didn’t know, Eve means “life.”  Adam named me this because I am the mother of all living.  Now listen to your mama and what I have to say!”

“Unlike the other women you are about to meet, I am more famous for my weaknesses than my wonderful deeds.  I am sorry for tasting the forbidden fruit from the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.  I am now flawed like you are---and I am sure you do not appreciate your inheritances from me!  (One curse you did not get from me is high heels---See?  (Show bare feet.)  It’s true that you can learn from your mistakes!  Think of a time when you were weak and made a mistake.  You regret it, but most of the time you can’t change it.” 

“My husband, Adam, which means man, taught me all he knew.  I learned the names of the animals, flowers, fish, and trees—all of creation that he learned from God.  He also told me the “rules,” but I guess I didn’t pay as much attention to them as I should have.  I avoided that tree for quite awhile, keeping busy with Adam and our daily walks in the garden where God joined us.  We could feel Him and hear Him, but not see Him.  Perhaps if I had seen Him I would have realized how omnipotent He was.  I guess I needed something more tangible to realize His power.  Sort of like when someone tells you if you hit your hand with a hammer it is going to hurt, but you do it anyway just to test it out.” 

“I remember how wonderful life was before the fruit.  God delighted in hearing how we spent our days.  Everything was perfect.  We didn’t have anything to worry about…especially what to wear because we didn’t wear anything!  Talk about “wash ‘n wear!” 

“Then one day a very intriguing creature appeared.  A beautiful serpent creature, soft-spoken and nice!  He asked about the forbidden fruit…it started innocently at first, and then he began playing on words and my mind spun.  I became more curious about knowledge of good and evil.  He convinced me to eat the fruit (and it really wasn’t an apple—you know how stories get changed as they are passed down.)  What’s even worse as I convinced Adam to eat it too!  He, of course, told on me when God confronted us.  What a guy!”

“Well the rest is history.  We began to bear the heaviest weight anyone could experience—separation from God.  That is a weight even Jenny Craig can’t cure!  We were evicted from the perfect life and our perfect health and perfect bodies began to decay.  We worked and worked just to survive.

We started having “not-so-perfect” children with a not so wonderful labor and delivery to go with them.    I had many children, but you probably remember Cain and Abel the best.  Talk about sibling rivalry!  It is rumored that Cain and Abel are twins, but that is my little secret.  I dreamed of them growing up as friends and helping each other.  But that was not to be.  I miss Abel so much!  He was a good man.  To think he was killed by his own brother!  I am also sad for Cain and because he basically “died” at the same time.  His life was ruined too.  Where did I go wrong? 

Well, perhaps I could have done nothing to change things.  It’s too late now.  I was delighted when my next son, Seth came along and brought us great joy.  His son, Enos, was the first official minister leading many in worshipping God.

We have paid the price for not obeying God and people are still paying.  We had everything that we could ever need.  But like a spoiled child, I wanted something I couldn’t have.  They say idle hands are the devil’s workshop!  Keep busy in your service to the Lord and others.  Be obedient to God in all things… and learn from my mistakes.  Oh, by the way, you may eat your candy now.  Are you glad you resisted the temptation?  Don’t forget to brush your teeth!  (Exit, trying to avoid running into more conservatively dressed folks in the hotel lobby!)

Until next time, count your blessings!

Gale

Ask A Stupid Question...

As I was sitting in my swing (in January) tossing "the Ladies" (my pet chickens) chunks of bread I noticed several of them poking around the potted herbs and nibbling on some basil that was still alive.  Hmmm.  Taylor suggested I feed them cheese and bacon too so they could lay pre-packaged omelets!  Cool!  It put me in mind of a humor piece I wrote awhile back and put away.  I hope you enjoy it!

 They say there are no stupid questions, only unasked ones.  Here are a few I would like you to consider (and please get back to me!)

I hate to pick on the medical field, but why would anyone want to go to a “memorial hospital?”  Wouldn’t you prefer one where folks made it out alive?  I know of many of them are directly across from cemeteries.  That view frankly sucks.  How inspiring is that?  Why, in a place where you need the rest most, do you never get any?  Do we really need our water pitchers filled at 5 a.m. by folks pushing squeaky metal carts?  Please give me a doctor that is not just “practicing” medicine.  I want one who knows what they are doing!

Why do prescription labels often say “Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery” instead of “Don’t drive a car?”  How many of us own backhoes and bulldozers? (Um, well, I happen to, but…)  Does non-drowsy mean it won’t MAKE you sleep or LET you sleep?  Have you ever really listened to the warnings on drug commercials?  Frankly the “side effects” are often way scarier than the original problem.  For example, a well-known allergy spray (by the way, hubby is a beekeeper and our bees don’t have Spanish accents) lists the side effects as headaches, coughing, nose bleeds, sore throat, painful menstrual cramps, muscle/bone pain, sinus infections, vomiting, nausea, diarrhea, asthma, chest pains, bronchitis, ear aches, acne, weight gain, stretch marks, hive and/or rash.  You may not have caught all that when they speed-talk through it.  Aside from the obvious, that many of these side effects are worse than the allergy symptoms, a lot of these are the same symptoms you would have with allergies anyway.  So why bother?  In other medicines death can occur when you are trying to prevent peeing your pants!  Embarrassing, yes.  Deadly, no.

I could spend a lot of time solving the world’s problems, but I don’t.  I spend it wondering why Yellow Freight Line’s trucks are orange and Celadon Trucking’s are blue.  What happens to sour cream after the expiration date?  Does it get fresh again?  Does juice turn into wine or cider?  Do raisins become grapes again?  Why aren’t hamburgers made of ham?  Why do folks love to eat out at restaurants known for their “home-cookin?”  Why do I gain five pounds when I only eat one pound of chocolate?  Why do butchers strip a chicken naked and call it “dressing?” 

Why do my magazines sometimes arrive battered and torn, yet the (intact) reply postcards are still dangling from one corner stuck between pages?  Why do they make electric weed-eaters?  Why don’t I own a weed-eater cord replacement business?  Why does the local “Psychic” establishment have a sign on the door that reads “Call for an appointment?”  Wouldn’t they already know you’re coming?  Why is “a woman’s work never done,” but when a man works, they feel the need to point it out by putting up a warning sign (Caution: Men at Work)?

I often wonder how many folks driving through the bank ATM or a fast food restaurant actually ask for the Braille menu?  It makes as much sense as the “Braille Menus Available” sign posted ground level at the front door.  Do guide dogs read?

There is a variety of flower called a “moonfer” which only blooms at night.  If you haven’t seen one, you were probably in bed.   I will never think of a gladiola as anything but a funeral flower.  Perhaps they would be better called sadiolas. 

My husband goes nuts when someone mentions the word “fiction.”  He says if that means “not real,” then “non-fiction” means “not not real,” which would mean it is real.  By the way, why don’t we get our “hairscut?”  Nobody I know just cuts one hair.   Why is it that something worth a lot is expensive, and something cheap is inexpensive, whereas if something is valuable, it's not worth as much as something invaluable?

Why do my hands get cracked and dry when they are constantly in water?  Why are 20-Watt bulbs three times more expensive than 60-Watt ones?  We had a nauga-hide sofa when I was a kid.  What is a nauga?  Hubby says I am getting ripped off when I buy my pure mohair teddy bears and sweaters because there is no such thing as a mo.  Why do they make rug and air fresheners?  Just clean up what stinks!  Why do folks put their swings with the canopies on their porch under a roof?

Why do we call it “rush hour” when traffic is the slowest?  What does “let bygones be bygones really mean?  My son was watching a cartoon where the superhero said “We believe in peace and are willing to fight for it!”  Huh?  The Spring 2009 edition of the Godiva (yum) chocolate catalog describes their gourmet Easter baskets as being “Kosher.”  Am I missing something or do Jewish folks now celebrate Easter?

I must confess I don’t know the entire product labeling guidelines, but some baffle me.  In a Disney Hotel bathroom I picked up a shower cap package that read (seriously it did) “Fits One Head.”  I had a microwave entrée that instructed me to “Remove meal from box.  Heat on High for 4-5 minutes.  Eat.”  OK.  I realize that a peanut allergy can be serious and those folks need warned, but really, on a jar of peanuts it said “Warning: Contains Peanuts.”  Who is that going to save?   Someone who can read, but doesn’t know what a peanut looks like (but can’t read the word Peanuts on the front) or someone too young to read who wouldn’t know this wasn’t a jar of poison anyway?

I read in Spain they have a special black pig that is fed only acorns for a sweet, nutty flavored meat.  If that’s the case, why don’t we feed them ham glaze?  For that matter, why don’t we feed turkeys only seasoned breadcrumbs or chocolate to bunnies?  By the way, why does the turkey bag instructions require us to “pat the turkey?”  Wouldn’t the turkey have enjoyed it more when it was alive? 

Speaking of departing this life, I saw on the news a convicted murderer who was to be executed the next morning.  The reporter said the guy wrote a letter then went to bed at 10 p.m.  Hello?  I’d be up all night eating everything in sight and watching TV (and of course, praying for a last minute stay of execution!)  Could you really sleep?  Do you need the rest?  Isn’t there plenty of time later for that when you’re dead? 

Also from the news:  A vegetarian gal who eats tons of tofu (I am already questioning her sanity) was confused and disappointed because her license plate request was denied.  She couldn’t understand why someone would be offended by “ILUVTOFU.”   Is there another person on the planet besides her that would immediately think “Yum, tofu?”

Good grief!

Until next time,

Gale